Dear readers, this blog post is devoted to my LA assignment: "becoming an identity". The essay in the post must be related to the main character being a Singaporean or must be set in Singapore. Although my story is lousy and rubbish, please comment on it.
The story starts like this:
Before tourists come to Singapore, they would ask their friends and family members who had came to Singapore, how well the people of Singapore are and what landmarks are there in Singapore. So, they would reply that Singapore are full of landmarks
and it is a evergreen city, but about its people, there was not much positive comments. Also, they called Singapore " kiasu" and stingy because of some black sheep in our society. But for me, I think that Singaporeans are mostly gracious people, high standard and well-mannered people. Although Singaporeans "Obasan" might be a little kiasu as they love minding other people's business, bargaining and gossiping, but I still feel that they are actually peace-lovers and do not want anything to disrupt their daily lives and would try their best to prevent that from happening . At first, I too like the tourists did not believe that, but ever since I came face to face with a situation that to change my mind, I began to believe it. If you are like my younger self, perhaps this story might enlighten you. It starts like this...
It was a hot Saturday morning, the sun was so bright and hot that whenever I tried looking up, I was so taken back by the sun's heat and brightness that I instinctively closed my eyes. On that dreadful day, I was forced by my mother to do her shopping at the wet market as she had a lot of housework to do. " why did I even agree to do this" I grimaced as perspiration ran down my neck. Despite my complaining and groaning, I soon reached the wet market. It was my first time buying groceries alone, hence I was a little nervous, but luckily for me, my mother had told me
where all the stores were located beforehand.
It was a typical scene in the wet market. It was very wet as always, hence its name. There was also a fishy smell in the wet market which had lingered in the market for a long time. At every shops, there were lots of aunties crowding around th shop owner, trying to bargain for a lower price and some people fighting over a certain product such as fish, chicken etc. Swiftly, I went on with my shopping and I wanted to get away from this terrible from this terrible horrible stench of dead fishes, which always send goosebumps all over me.
Just as I was shopping at my last stop, I heard a terrible, blood curling scream. Curious, I quickly bought what I came for and went to see what the commotion was about. Using my sense of hearing, i managed to efficiently, tracked down where this ear-piercing came from. I squeezed through the crowd and found out that two aunties were quarreling on who should be the one taking home to the last basket of vegetables that was both in their grips. One said that that she took it first, while the other said it was not true. Each of them were holding on to one side of the basket, tugging towards themselves just like the tug of war. After a few minute of tug of war, the basket gave way and all the the vegetables spew on the floor. The two aunties look astound and the shop owner said," my vegetables! You two are going to pay for what you have done!" The two aunties looked at each other and pointed fingers at each other and began to continue their yelling and quarreling. Suddenly, one of the auntie made a racist comment about the other auntie. Everyone was shocked that she had made a racist comment as it is prohibited in Singapore. Soon after, the whole market was filled with racist comments as the other auntie wanted to get revenge on the other one. As they grew bolder with their words by the minute, they started clenching their fist, ready for a brawl.
"Oh my god", I muttered under my breath. From the start, I knew that everyone present would not step in as they would not like to get involve in the fight as they would just like to watching this exciting show. Just as they were about to pull out each others hair, lots of Singaporean stepped in to prevent the fight, some of them held an arm of the two furious aunties, while a man started lecturing and warning them that saying a racist comments were prohibited in Singapore and you could get fined from it. He also told them that if we wanted Singapore to be peaceful, we must never fight and instead help and understand others. Upon hearing this, the two aunties hung their head in shame after listening to the man. In the end, both of them decided to equally pay for the vegetables.
So, after the incident, I learned that Singaporeans are not also unhelpful and stingy, instead, they are kind and understanding and love peace in their society.
--- THE END---
Hi Hao Ming,
ReplyDeleteA good plot there for your essay.However, there are a lot of grammatical errors and repetitions. For example, "I wanted to get away from this terrible from this terrible horrible stench of dead fishes" or "but luckily for me, my mother had told me where all the stores were located beforehand. Please spot as many as possible and correct them. Please put in more vocabulary, otherwise the essay would be rather bland. Anyways, good attempt there! I hope that your draft 2 would be much better!
Hello Hao Ming,
ReplyDeleteHonestly, your story is over dramating. For example, "I heard a terrible, blood curling scream." when actually, no one was injured in the first place, they were just arguing over the basket of vegetables and nothing more, only after that did the fight worsen, that where I feel you should have added in that sentence. Overall, your story is good.
Hello Hao Ming,
ReplyDeleteto add on there are like typos grammatical mistakes missing words etc and also the logic of your story as you are writing from the view the of a singaporean right you would not take a point of view or mindset of singaporeans like foreigners allso to add to wei jin's point you should substitute the scream in the beginning for bickering or you could say that you say you saw a crowd gathered beside a stall and instead of going there personally a more natural reaction would be you asking the stall owner at your last stop
Yo Hao Ming, I agree with wei jin that the story is a bit exaggerated. However there is a good plot and your clearly show what singaporeans are like in daily life. So your story is rather impressive other than the spelling and grammatical errors. I also see your love for sharks, i agree they are cool animals and you are totally passionate about them cause you even made a comic strip about the great white shark. So thumbs up to you.
ReplyDeleteThanks. Mrs Anu asked me to do a second draft as my intro is to long, so......... I have to make a new one -_- stay tune....
ReplyDeleteHi Hao Ming, I think that story has a good plot down there. But it is too commonly used and boring. Your story was also exaggerated and dramatic. Your story also has a lot of grammatical errors and sentence structure problems. For example, .... Started clenching their fists and ready for a brawl... It was to exaggerated. Also your introduction and resolution are off the place. Your introduction was too long and draggy, it makes people want to stop reading. Your intro should also not be in the form of an explanation, instead, you could write something which is more captivating. For your resolution, I thought that it was too simple. Your story started out as a quarrel to a fight,but in the end, racist comments and paying equally. Your story should have a twist to the end to make it more interesting and makes us think. Like this, you will for sure score high.
ReplyDelete